How I Want to Be Remembered

Not too long ago I was thinking about how I want to be remembered. I'm not entirely sure how I got onto this subject in my head, but there it was. To be honest, I wasn't necessarily thinking about death. I mean, that was part of it, but I also wonder how my kids will remember me when they're older and have their own lives/homes/families. I'm definitely hoping that the times I lost my temper or was unnecessarily short will be overshadowed by thoughts of love. I suppose it's unrealistic to hope they won't remember the anger at all.

While I was mulling this over, I happened to receive an email with this blog entry at Chasing Blue Skies. It was like she knew what I was thinking! I really wanted to call her and talk to her and tell her my thoughts...except I don't know her and that would be strange. But, she really did get me thinking.

I initially thought I wanted to be remembered as funny and kind. (My husband often teases me and says that I'm the funniest person I know. I think I kind of am.) I like to joke around and I certainly like to be liked. One of the ways to ensure people like you is to be kind, right? Being kind makes me feel good and certainly makes the recipient of the kindness feel good. So, this can't be a bad thing. Except...I wonder if it is. Really, why am I being kind? Is it only to be liked? I don't think so. But...maybe.

The motto of the church my family attends is, "Love God, Love Your Neighbor, Nothing Else Matters." I like it. It reminds me that love is the most important thing, all of the time. Love everyone. (Note, that doesn't mean you won't ever be angry or hurt or anything like that. There are sermons and sermons and sermons about that.) If all of our actions are driven by love - love of God - then I believe we will be kind. But, if my kindness is driven by wanting to remembered as being kind...well then I've missed the mark. Being kind for the sake of being remembered as kind will also make me remembered as someone a little adrift. Nice, but no substance.

If I show love to my friend by making a dinner for her family while her father is sick, that's certainly kind. If I show kindness by holding the door for the man holding all of the grocery bags, that's a good deed. If I hold my daughter after her heart is broken or listen to my son talk, again, about the great play he made in a video game, I'm showing patience. Patience, love...and parts of kindness.

I think, ultimately, Kristen is right. I want to be remembered as someone who deposited Christ's love into someone else every day. Sometimes that is kindness. Sometimes it's structure and discipline. Sometimes it's laughter. (I think it's very often food.) If I'm relying on God to help me show kindness, then I can't go wrong. If I'm relying on myself to just be kind, then it may not work. I know that I can't rely only on myself to be patient; I was not blessed with much of that. I know, though, that I can show kindness via patience by relying on God.

I'll keep trying to be kind through love, knowing that it's always a work in progress.

How do you want to be remembered?

Summer time is done so here's a list of fall favorites

This is it! Labor Day has arrived and the kids go back to school tomorrow. I'm taking the girls shopping   for some last minute things today and then - that's it! I'm actually pretty glad that we're approaching school because that means cooler weather is finally around the corner. I don't love to be hot. I only like to sweat if I'm working out. I will say that I don't necessarily love letting go of the ease of summer and it's lack of schedule. But, we can't stop the passage of time! So, since I'm sure you're dying to know what I'm looking forward to this fall, here's a list:

1. Sunday School and Confirmation - I probably had the most enjoyable year ever teaching Sunday School last year and am lucky enough to have the same class again this year (with the addition of one more age). My younger daughter is in that class and I'm excited to have her again. I also lead my older daughter's Confirmation small group and had so much fun getting to know the girls last year. I think this coming year is going to be even better!

2. My birthday - I turn 40 this year! I'm a combination of excited and nostalgic about this. I can't believe time has gone so quickly, but I also know that I'm the best "me" I've ever been right now. I'm ready for another decade!

3. Jeans and sweatshirts - I don't think this needs any explanation

4. Turkey Trot - I don't love Thanksgiving (at least, I don't love the meal itself - I do love being thankful with family and friends), but I love getting together with 20,000 of my closest friends here in Buffalo and running 5 miles in the freezing cold. This year younger daughter is doing it with me and I can't wait!

5. CHRISTMAS MUSIC - Yes, I realize I'm talking about fall right now. But, I tend to listen to Christmas music all year long. It makes me happy. But, I bring it on full force in October and make my whole family listen starting November 1. (This is not my husband's favorite thing about me.)

6. Crockpot food - Fall food gets so thick and yummy. Chili and pasta and all kinds of hot stuff. I'm looking forward to the watermelon salad I'm having for lunch today, but I definitely can't wait for cold-weather food.

7. Blankets - Oh, how I love to curl up under a blanket and read a book with a cup of coffee in hand!

8. Crunchy leaves and crisp air - Taking walks and hearing the crunch of leaves under my feet is one of my favorite sounds. The colors are so pretty and the air smells so...crisp - like the earth is cleaning up before its long sleep.

9. Celebrations - My husband's birthday is in August, which starts months of celebration. My father is also in August, then my mom is September, me and the boy are October and then it's full-on holiday season in November and December.

10. Pumpkin seeds and pumpkin bread - So, so delicious. I'm not as big a fan of the all-things-pumpkin that seems to have taken over our country, but I do love me some salty pumpkin seeds. And, who doesn't love pumpkin bread with coffee?

I guess I'll have to keep thinking of this list as I try to stay as cool as possible. I hope you have great plans for Labor Day - tell me about them!

Oh the deicions I make

Several months ago, I did a half-marathon (my third) without training. It wasn't my brightest move and I finished in tears. My middle one met me right toward the end and told me she wanted me to run to the finish line and I tearfully told her that I couldn't. So, she told me I at least to run across the finish line. In hindsight, I think my inability to hold it together upon seeing her in the crowd may have freaked her out a little bit.

Fast forward to now and I have myself getting ready for a full marathon in less than a month. A MONTH, PEOPLE! Am I ready, you ask? No. I'm not close to being ready. But, it's on my list and I already have plans and my friend is coming all the way from Michigan to keep me company while I crawl my way through it. I will need to keep my mind focused on finishing so I can cross it off just before my 40th birthday.

While I'm pretty sure that I won't do a full marathon again after this, and I'm pretty sure that people will think I'm insane for doing it (without being ready) in the first place, I'm excited to be thinking about it at all. There are people all over the world who don't have this luxury, whether due to finances, physical ability, or any other myriad of reasons. I guess I don't necessarily have the finances to sign up for races, but I'm certainly in the top percent of wealth in the world.

I talked to a man at my office the other day and told him that he may need to meet me in the parking lot in the days following the race with a cart so he can wheel me to my desk. I imagine that I'm going to be pretty sore and uncomfortable - especially with my lack of proper training. But, I'm looking forward to telling him I did it!

It seems pretty selfish to pray for strength and courage and all of that to do something that I'm doing incorrectly to begin with. But, I'd certainly appreciate any prayers you have to spare, anyway. I'll need to pray and I'll need to rely on Philippians 4:13 and I'll need to think about the 26.2 sticker to put on the back of my car. I know I can dig deep and do this. We can do hard things - it's how we're made.

What hard and crazy thing are you putting off? Let's make a plan so you can just do it!

There is a season

So it appears I took the summer off! Well, the summer in terms of time-my-kids-aren't-in-school. I believe summer proper goes through the better part of September. This little blog appeared in my head every now and then, but for the most part I didn't think about it. I thought about ball games, family meals, trips, concerts, birthday parties (husband turned 40!) and fun. Even though I've heard many-a-complaint about the "cooler" summer we've had, I have no complaints at all. Fun - and plenty of heat - has been had by all.

We're gearing up for school, though, and fall. I'm attending Sunday School teacher and Confirmation group leader meetings. There are school supply lists that won't supply themselves. I have two children attending new schools this year and they require some special attention. And? This blog. I can't get it out of my head.

I'm reading A Million Little Ways by Emily P. Freeman. It talks about finding out what you're supposed to be doing with your life; something I struggle with. A lot. So, I've been making lists and thinking about what really makes me feel alive. Again and again I think about helping others. By sponsoring. By loving. By teaching. By listening. By writing. I don't think of myself as a writer, per se. But, I do think about the ability to reach other women. You know how I can do that? Keep writing here. Maybe only 2 people are reading it. Maybe 1. If that 1 person hears something she's been needing to hear? I've done my job.

The kids and I try to read 30 minutes each school night before bed. (It's a struggle for 2 of them, but a favorite for the other 1.) I love to read. I treasure that time with the kids, answering questions about words and listening to plot discussions. It seems as though I could probably add some time for this blog in there, too. Summer was my season for family and fun, but there is a season for all things. I think I'm heading to a season of love. Spreading love, that is.

So, let's get together here for coffee, shall we? Talk about how we can love and encourage one another. I'll be working out the frequency soon - probably as I go. I can't wait to be here, though!

Prayer and pretzels

We picked the kids up from camp yesterday. They were full of laughter and stories and song and God's word. They talked about the 'affirmations' they received from their counselors and were all so happy. They also loved the food, which is always an interesting part of camp that many others don't remember from their childhood. All three told us their favorite meals (and their second and third favorites!), breaking down by meal-type in some cases. It was all pretty funny.

I had warned them before they left for camp that we were in a somewhat lean time. We had to buy a car a couple of months ago, which is always a big expense. Camp isn't cheap. And, of course, there are the other life things always that pop up. Anyway, they've arrived home to a particularly rough week and it makes me feel guilty. I know that they won't be talking about this week's meals with even close to the excitement over the camp food. I'm struggling with trusting Jesus with my worries. I'm struggling that provision won't come. I'm just...struggling.

Knowing that I was heading into dangerous territory, I made sure to make it to church today. I knew I'd need to hear the message. So, while the rest of the house caught up on lost sleep, I woke up and went to pray with anyone else who decided to get up and head to church, too. I laughed out loud when I saw the verse on the cover of the bulletin: Come to me, all you that are weary, and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:38). Yep! This was a message I needed this morning.

I sat with some friends I don't see all that often and confided my worries. I felt better. The pastor talked about resting in Jesus and I felt better. I prayed the service prayers and some on my own and I felt better. My hear was considerably lighter on the way home.

It occurred to me that I had the stuff on hand to make hot pretzels, which my family loves. What a great snack for this afternoon between ball games! No, I may no be able to buy them something from the snack stand. No, we may not be going out for ice cream or eating anything even remotely fun for lunch. But, homemade pretzels? YES! I also have iced coffee in the fridge, which I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that my kids like. Iced coffee, pretzels and games. I'd say making do isn't so bad! 

I tired to shape them better, it just didn't work.

Those pretzels may not have started out looking like much more than a doughy mess. But, in the end, they're just what we needed.  Prayer and pretzels...they've made for a great Sunday!

And when I worry

School is finally done! Here in WNY, we tend to go for too long. Elementary school had a half-day this morning and finally let them free. Middle school finished on Tuesday. You can barely tell we slowed down, though, with baseball/softball filling the time quite nicely. And there's that party I agreed to (5 extra soon-to-be-high-school-freshman overnight!) and out-of-town guests on Saturday and the kids leaving for camp on Sunday. I'm thinking it will be a little bit before I feel the relief of the summer schedule.

My kids are feeling better than me. They aren't feeling the pressure of our schedule the same way. I'm glad for that, of course, as they shouldn't worry. They shouldn't think of a party as something to stress over. Unfortunately they are feeling some pressure and sadness, though...and that makes me feel even worse.

The older girl got some bad news recently. She had interviewed for a spot on the executive committee of student council and wasn't given a spot. We're so proud of her for trying, as it's way out of her comfort zone to do something like that. I struggle to with the words to reassure her, though, and my heart breaks remembering the sting of rejection at that age.

Baseball is my son's greatest love. His tournament team can bring him stress, though, which he has trouble dealing with. I think I had a break through with him the other day; fingers crossed that he remembers our talk next time worry overcomes him. He puts so much pressure on himself, that is compounded by coaching expectations.

These are just a couple of examples. I'm sure they're similar to the kinds of things you encounter in your life or with your children. I certainly don't think our worries are unique. Money, jobs, house stuff - it's all overwhelming.

I'm reading The Book of Ruth with She Reads Truth. It's a short book, but it's a great reminder of God's plan for all of us. There will be sadness - sometimes overwhelming; there will be loss and heartache and stress and worry. But, there will also be redemption and hope - grace and mercy! He is always there, even when the going looks rough. This study has been lifesaver during a rough time here.  I can hold on to hope that even now, even in worry, there is hope for renewal.

I hope that in my journey to remembering these things that I'm conveying them to my kids, too. Do they know that I'm praying for the same types of things I remind them to pray for? Do they see that I'm leaning on Him to get through the tough times? Do they know that we don't have to worry when we have Him? I certainly hope so. I'd like all of us to remember this summer with the sounds of laughter, balls being hit, cheers in the stands, campfires, friends, family, prayers and grace. All of that beats worry every day of the week, right?

A calling

Last Christmas, my husband gave me a new bible. He actually spent a lot of time giving me a rather clever set of gifts each of the 12 days leading up to Christmas. While I enjoyed the entire gift, I really treasure the bible. Almost every morning since that December day, I sit down with my coffee and my dogs and pink bible (I do love me some pink) and read. It's one of my most favorite ways to spend quiet time.

At some point during the last 6 or 8 months, I started reading books by Kristen Welch, LisaJo Baker, Angie Smith, Ann VosKamp, Melanie Shankle and Beth Moore. (I think there were more, but you get the gist.) My daughter and I also went to Belize (see recap 1, 2 and 3). I started this blog. I interviewed for a job in a ministry position (don't worry coworkers - I was planning to do it part time along with my current job!). Something was definitely happening.

Now, you'd think that I could figure this out a little better, but I can be a bit slow sometimes. I've been doing bible studies from here and have really loved them. I have felt that I was waiting for something and was just kind of biding my time. I've talked to my friends and have just, you know...lived my life. Then, this morning, I was reading my latest bible study from the book of Ruth. I went back a week or so to read a blog entry from Kayla Aimee because I remembered her talking about Ruth and I wanted to read it again. And somehow, in this exchange, I heard the message loud and clear: use your blog; write about Jesus.

So, that's not what I was expecting. To be honest, I'm a little scared. A LOT scared. I know that people in my circle(s) don't necessarily want to read this. I know it will scare people away. I think it could make people not want to be my friend. (Although, really - that's foolish. I'm super fun.) But, I'm saying yes. Yes to coming here with a message of grace and love. Yes to putting myself out here. Yes to wherever this leads.

I'm not sure what this means. But, I'm hoping you'll join me sometimes! Pour some coffee, grab a quilt and let's chat!